Sunday, November 20
Gunning Down Romance - Savage Garden
Love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brainIn your brain
And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in your veins
In your veins
Love come quickly'Cause I feel my self-esteem is caving inIt's on the brimLove come quickly
'Cause I don't think I can keep this monster in
It's in the skin
Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine
They're morphine
Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
Rarely seen
Love I beg you
Lift me up into that privileged point of viewThe world of twoLove don't leave me
'Cause I console myself that Hallmark cards are trueI really do
I'm gunning down romanceIt never did a thing for meBut heartache and misery
Ain't nothing but a tragedy
I'm gunning down romance
It never did a thing for me
But heartache and misery
Ain't nothing but a tragedy
Love don't leave me
Take these broken wings
I'm gonna to take these broken wings
And learn to fly
And learn to fly away
And learn to fly away
I'm gunning down romance
Take these broken wings
I'm going to take these broken wings
And learn to fly
And learn to fly away
And learn to fly away
I'm gunning down romance
I'm gunning down romance
I'm gunning down romance
I'm gunning down romance
i've bolded the lines i like. i'm not anti-romance.. i just.. know i've read too many books, heard too many love songs, believed too many fairytales. sweet seventeen and never been kissed - it's not a social ill.
it must've been love.
11:19 pm
xoxo
Saturday, November 19
so many things have happened, i don't know where to start. okay. so. ms ho rejected my resignation. which i cannot understand at all. if someone under me wanted to quit, i'd say, sure, you know where the door is, use it. i've been working so i haven't had time to go down myself and clarify matters. i'll do it next week if i'm not working. and here's something weird. i'm not sure if my contract got extended or not, because as i was leaving the office yesterday, the person in charge of me told me to continue on monday. i stared at her and said, my contract finishes today. to which she replied, oh then report back on monday at 10. hooray an extra hour of sleep heh heh. so i'm not sure if i'm hired for the day or week. hmmmm. i didn't clarify, just nodded and got out. we'll see. i love lunchtime. i'm very careful to take my lunch hour when everyone else is either still working or out for lunch. then i heat up my noodles and sit in the pantry alone, facing the wonderful view of the bay. i'm so poor i drink inordinate amounts of milo all day to avoid having to buy snacks. my mother just found out how poor i am when i told my sister i couldn't pay for her ipod cos i don't even have $400 plus in my account. needless to say, she flipped. i'd love to stay at home and sleep or play the piano or read or wander by the river all day, but a girl needs to eat. it's all very well to enjoy yourself, but try doing that starving. it's not quite so fun. i'm not lonely at work. the other 2 temps were nice to me. only 1 is returning next week i think. they only need 2. but if i were to work permanently.. i think i'd like to develop a strong working relationship with my colleagues. you can't get lost in your own world 9 hours a day, 5 days a week. but you know what they say about the working world; it's shrewd and cruel, don't trust anyone. guess what. it's true.
incidentally, there's a cute security guard where i work. i think he's malay? non chinese anyway. looks 20 or 21, max. i noticed him because he smiled at me when i exchanged my ic for a pass on the second day of work. so now every time he sees me he smiles and i smile back. the security guards are all very friendly, they smile whenever they see me. i'm nice too, i told them to have a great weekend as i rushed off after work. they probably think i'm amusing because i take off my slipeprs, put them in my bag, and slip on my high heels as they sign my pass, before rushing up into the office. i haven't seen anyone do that yet. hmm. yes so that's my interesting work week. i'm bound by contract to shut up about the rest. hur.
i am poor. my mother wants me to work out my holiday schedule. i guess i'll go to town and get my sister's ipod tmr when i'm in the area. shall go for the class dinner since my mother agreed to give me $20 for dinner. i wonder if she's afraid i'm too anti-social. my sister wants to buy me an ipod nano when she starts work in jan. -sniffs- so sweet. it's like $300 smth?? that's a week plus worth of yelling at insufferable fools, after cpf deduction. i told her it's too ex but she really wants to give it. she'll probably change her mind after the first week of work, tchs guys are truly intolerable. and i can't afford to give her anything fantastic for christmas. =( my pay has to go towards my perth trip. maybe i'll think of something wonderful. soon. my mum and sis are leaving on the 2nd of dec. they return when i'm gone. so i don't see them for 3 weeks. wow. no sister to talk to for 3 weeks. =( oh well. i'm determined to have a fantastic time in perth. nothing is gonna affect me, not the weather, not the flies, not living like church mice.
it must've been love.
2:40 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, November 16
hello i didn't dare say this earlier. but now that she's going to find out tomorrow anyway, here it is:
1 Jalan Anak Bukit
#08-04
Singapore 588996
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Ms. Ho Wai Yu
Guider-in-Charge
First Coy South
St. Margaret’s Secondary School
111 Farrer Road
Singapore 259240
Dear Ms Ho,
Re: Resignation From the Position Of Unit Helper
1 I had chosen to be a Unit Helper and to be attached to St. Margaret’s Secondary School as I had enjoyed guiding and wished to contribute to my alma mater.
2 I understand that I have not completed my term of service, but I wish to resign in advance, from the position of Unit Helper of First Coy South, St. Margaret’s Secondary School due to the following reasons:
a) I have taken great pains to follow the guidelines laid down by the Head Quarters regarding the duties of a Unit Helper. However, there have been unjustified complaints made against me.
b) I feel that I have contributed to the best of my abilities and my help is no longer necessary.
c) Furthermore, I feel that my abilities and expertise are not being fully utilized in this position, and I wish to pursue other interests that may be more useful in further developing my capabilities.
As a result of both reasons stated above, I have decided to discontinue with my position as a Unit Helper and would like to resign as soon as possible. I seek your understanding in accepting my resignation. Thank you.
Yours truly,
Melissa Ho
Unit Helper,
First Coy Southi am not sorry. that was the polite version, where i did not list that the real reason was an inability to get along with a woman whose sole problem with me is that i have opinions and a brain. oh. but there's another problem too. her pet. but nevermind. i was stupid enough to suffer this long. after this, no more! i know we were such fools, using guides to stay together. but we've come to realise that we'll always be friends forever, even with nothing but old bonds to tie us together. if it's within my means, 21st is still on. but i
am sorry, sam. now you're on your own. good luck girl. you have brains and opinions too. don't get burned like me. i was the first to burn for us. don't let there be a next. i love you girls, forever and ever and ever, amen.
oh by the way i got a job as a temp admin assistant for ipac financial planning. apparently it's a big company cos my father knows it. which i only found out today. hmm. anyway i went down for an interview and the guy said to hang around the area cos i might get the job. half an hour later he called, so i raced down from another place. actually i was at the other place waiting for another interview, but as soon as i got the call i ran out literally, thrusting my form into the lady's hand and saying, 'i don't think i want this job anymore'. the place was creepy, filled with ah bengs tapping their fingers menancingly. i'm the youngest temp in the office. and i work too fast because i don't know what else to do. apparently it is disturbing that i enjoy eating lunch alone in the pantry, facing the beautiful sights of the bay and sea that i cannot see from my desk because it faces
away from the window! oh well. i have to sleep early tonight.
i hope we picnic for dinner along the esplanade! yay! i love everyone so much!
it must've been love.
9:39 pm
xoxo
Friday, November 11
hair's still wet. it feels very uncomfortable and it isn't helping my stuffy nose and pounding head. i don't know how siti does it, 10am-9pm for
5 days. like bloody hell is she a machine?? and she's not even done yet. they have til tues. i have to look for a job on monday or i'll end up drinkig tap water and eating cup noodles in perth, but i'll try to go down every day that they need help. but if they have enough people i won't go down and take up space - i'm allergic to dust. of course my parents don't know that. i didn't know either. but after several hours and a few days of being among dusty / woolly clothes.. well. just to clarify, i'm not allergic to my hamster!! i love her to bits, but my mother made me take her out of my room. =( i have come up with an addition to my criteria. you already know the rest; christian, quick-witted and witty, musically inclined, share common interests [reading certain books and discussing them, spending lots of time at nice and peaceful albiet thought-provoking places like the esplanade, drinking hot chocolate slowly at coffee bean etc].. well here's the latest. he's gotta have a
heart. you know what i mean. if all he's interested in is having a good time, i won't consider him no matter how witty he is. i realise this should come under christianity, but you'd be surprised to learn that it doesn't always. which means if i were to ask someone to accompany me to volunteer at some association and he either laughs at the idea / stares at me incredulously / or thinks i'm crazy, then he's definitely not what i'm interested in. not that it's happened yet. but just to make a mental [and not so mental] note. there. my list is growing less likely with each addition. is this why everyone's asking me to be spinsters with them when we grow old?
my nose still feels clogged and my eyes still hurt from all that dust. bleaugh. oh well it's all for a good cause. i need a less sensitive nervous system.
it must've been love.
10:27 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, November 9
| In a Past Life... |
 You Were: A Gentle Philosopher.
Where You Lived: South Africa.
How You Died: Natural causes. |
Who Were You In a Past Life?
how hilarious
it must've been love.
8:43 pm
xoxo
waiting for my pw group to come. they're awfully nice. i changed the venue at the last minute because i couldn't bear to go to school with my horribly puffy eyes. i feel calm but drained. the eyes speak for themselves anyway. i should invest in a hamorrhoid cream; it's a vascular constrictor, apparently. what the bloody hell is wrong with me? i really am the useless crying windbag that you said i was. spat out contemptuously, rather. i suppose you flatter yourself strong. well i've never been strong, not in that cold unbreakable way. oh it's easy to pretend. it seems to be in fasion nowadays to be cold. maybe cold is finally cool. because it's an easy mask to put on. people leave icy beings alone, they don't want to risk frostbite of the heart.
maybe it's good to have a positive attitude, to take things as they come. but some things are just too big to be swept under the carpet. you'll trip eventually. maybe we're a cynical, critical lot. maybe we're not easily contented enough. i know it's a flaw, but it isn't always
the flaw. sometimes everything just gets too much. i should hand the burden over to God. i'm trying. mel, i'm really trying. isn't it odd how someone can sob as if she'd break into two, then wake up and pick herself up again the next day? maybe it's because that's just how life is. you have to go on believeing in a better tomorrow when today has been hilariously wrong in every possible way. you have to go on loving, because if love can end, then it never began. you have to go on being strong, being a shoulder for others, because we can't all cry on our own shoulders. i wish i didn't cry so easily. even a song, a thought, a fleeting emotion can bring me down. i'm so incredibly weak even i despise myself. mel, in the eyes of the world, i have nothing. but you're right. to God i have something. i just have to figure what it is.
aquarius. it's so freaking sad. can you hear me call?
it must've been love.
9:47 am
xoxo
Monday, November 7
very tired. just had dinner. didn't eat much before i got home. was kinda hungry so i forced serene and siti to pop by j8 to grab some munchies. but that wasn't enough so i went home and ate some more. i think i prefer volunteering to wasting my time shopping. it's more.. meaningful? sorting, folding and stacking clothes for the pakistanis. handling the little woollen tops and bottoms, thinking of the tiny bodies that will be grateful for their warmth.. that odd shawl or pair of socks.. the people on the other side of the earth who don't know enough to envy our extravagence. there were some brand-new items, with price tags still on, or in their wrappers. and as i watched my own hands move across the thick material, folding, flicking, turning; hands that never had to work for a living, hands that never had to feed a hungry child.. it seemed so inappropriate that my buffed nails should shine under the light as i tried to make things better for someone. i somehow became ashamed of my thirtydollar haircut, the contact lenses that cost quite a bit to upkeep each month. and i wanted to write it in a poem, but recently i've become afraid of turning every experience, every thought, every fleeting emotion into a mere scrap of poetry. life is poetry, but poetry isn't life. i'm going back tomorrow. this is what guides should really be about - helping others. i got a little annoyed with my mother [ever the interact club teacher] when she asked if i'm getting cip hours for this. do i care? does it even matter anymore? i don't care which university accepts me, because whichever one does, i know it'll be by the will of God.
it must've been love.
11:03 pm
xoxo
Friday, November 4
met nanz today. was very late because i woke up late and had bad luck all day. but oh well we managed to meet in the end. walked around the cityhall area. so much better than overly congested town. i love the esplanade library. if there is just one place i want my dream boyfriend to bring me to, it's gotta be the esplanade. and he has to pronounce it the
nard way, not
naide. if we're too poor to watch performances, we can just walk along the terrace, maybe sit out by the water, go to the library to hunt down elusive scores. somehow i find that more meaningful than shopping [although i did buy a top impulsively, because i can see myself wearing it often. it is sleeved.] and well, i do want clever conversation. sigh sigh sigh, is this why we went out with girls? to get some clever [and sometimes not-so clever] conversation? i can't blame us when most of the guys our age grunt and mumble. and maybe they don't even outgrow it. my uncle's the world's most annoying grunter. i wonder how his wife stands it. eloquence, please!
okay the guilt is finally getting to me, all right all right i am going to read their proposal properly now. and type out the new testwork system and mail it to all the YAs so we can confirm it and put it into action. i don't know why we bother when they obviously don't. not to mention inefficiency, serious attitude problems, and overall inadequacy. to think we thought they would be better than their seniors. life is constantly proving us wrong. well as long as they pretend to appreciate our efforts as UHs. i don't know when the woman in charge of warranting will be back. i hope it's soon. with a warrant, i won't feel that i'm wasting my cca time. i miss us. the us we had. now we're scattered. nothing to bind us together anymore. and we're so - old - now. where's the laughter of yore? compare slow walks by the bay to running down the beach screaming. where have we gone, those crazy children of yesteryear? we're all settling down, tiny particles falling slowly to the bottom of the cup. the hourglass must turn.
annie, where did
you go? this always happens huh. you come online and grumble that i'm off somewhere, and i come online and grumble that you're off somewhere and the chances of us actually chirpy-chirping are actually quite low.
it must've been love.
9:16 pm
xoxo
